You know you’re the parent of a sensory avoidant child when the words “you’re invited to a birthday party!” make you cringe. When H was a toddler, every time an invitation to a child’s birthday party arrived in our mailbox, my husband and I were filled with one feeling: Dread. (More on this in The Dreaded Birthday Party). Hoards of kids running around, balloons, bounce houses, pinatas, cake, games… birthday parties are basically a sensory avoider’s worst nightmare!

After many birthday party fails, we finally dialed in on a pre-birthday party game plan that helped mitigate H’s sensory overload. With extensive preparation including discussing all the possible details of the party, finding pictures on Google Earth of the party location, singing made up bedtime songs about the party, and coming up with an exit strategy if he started to feel overwhelmed, birthday parties started becoming manageable, even (sometimes) enjoyable. But, no amount of preparation could have prepared us for the storm trooper incident.

H was 3 ½ at the time and we’d made significant birthday party progress. And the upcoming party was at one of his favorite places- Playwerx! Home to an indoor, multi-level climbing structure with giant slides, ball pits and rope swings...talk about prop heaven! H couldn’t get enough of Playwerx and frequently requested to go. Of course, we had to time it right because if we went when it was too crowded, he became overwhelmed and anxious. But, as long as there weren’t too many kids, he was in heaven.

As soon as I told him the party was at Playwerx, he was excited. I did our normal pre-party preparation, making sure to mention that there would probably be a lot of kids. We talked about what H could do if it felt too crowded. He suggested that I could come on the play structure with him, which immediately made me reconsider our RSVP! With our plan in place, I felt confident that it would be a successful party.

The first sign of impending doom was the Star Wars banner hanging over the doorway of the party room. Star Wars? Uh-oh. There had been no mention of a Star Wars theme. I peeked inside the party room, quickly scanning for any other Star Wars paraphernalia- at that age, H had no idea what Star Wars was and had never seen any Star Wars imagery so I wanted to make sure there wasn’t anything that might startle him. Overprotective? Maybe. But it’s justified protection so that my extremely sensitive kid doesn’t have a complete meltdown, ruining his day as well as his fellow partygoers. So, I did my Jedi recon and thought we were good to go.

To this day, I have no idea how I missed the giant, life-sized Stormtrooper balloon in the corner of the room. How do you miss something like that? I did see a delicious-looking Star Wars cake and some innocuous Star Wars themed plates and napkins, but somehow I missed that damn balloon. In my defense, I was distracted by a group of boys who were chasing each other and by H who, noticeably agitated by the commotion, was pulling at my leg, asking me to pick him up.

The play structure was teeming with children so, as we’d agreed, I found myself climbing behind H up to one of the giant slides. H seemed calm and was having fun despite all the chaos swirling around us, so I didn’t mind being the only adult barreling down the slide. Twenty minutes later (twenty minutes is a long, long time of slide playing), I nearly shrieked with joy when I heard the birthday boy’s mother yell, “Time for cake!” Crossfit has nothing on Playwerx- I was exhausted at that point. But H was in his element and wasn’t quite ready to stop climbing. While the rest of the kids excitedly rushed into the birthday room, H continued to play.

Everyone was singing Happy Birthday when I finally coaxed H to come down and join in. As we were approaching the party room, a friend of mine who was there with her kids, but not part of the party, saw me and called my name. In the moment that I turned to respond, H continued to walk into the room and that’s when it happened.

The next thing I knew, H was running past me towards the play structure. He disappeared into a small hiding place while shrieking in a terror-inducing pitch. I ran after him and found him curled up in a ball with his eyes closed screaming and shaking uncontrollably. At this point, I had no idea what had happened. I pulled him close to me, held him tight, rocked him back and forth, telling him that everything was ok and he was safe.

I held him as he shrieked in terror for what seemed like an eternity. My mind was racing, trying to think of what possibly could have caused such an extreme fight or flight response. He finally calmed down and we emerged from his hiding spot to a quiet group of alarmed parents and kids. His shrieking had been so loud and intense that even the crazy, loud, hyped up Playwerx environment had come to a total stand still. Everyone was looking at us with bewilderment, concern, and/or shock.

The birthday boy’s mom approached me asked if we were ok. Still stunned myself, I paused and then shook my head and replied, “I’m not sure, I have no idea what happened.” She pointed to the birthday room and I looked to see the birthday boy’s grandmother removing the giant, life-sized Stormtrooper balloon from the room. Luckily H had his head buried in my shoulder. I gasped.

Everyone resumed their activity and I politely excused myself and H from the party. He fell asleep within minutes of leaving- the poor thing was utterly spent. I tried to pinpoint what I was feeling...my heart was still racing and dozens of thoughts were swirling through my mind.

Why would someone have a Star Wars birthday party for a 3-year-old? And, if you’re having a Star Wars party, why wouldn’t you send a Star Wars invitation? Was I just being judgmental because I happen to have an extremely sensitive child who would most likely have night terrors involving Stormtroopers for the foreseeable future? And most importantly, how in the hell did I not see that effing balloon?

When H woke, we talked about what happened. I narrated the experience, highlighting the parts about the Stormtrooper balloon being pretend and him being safe. We discussed Star Wars and looked at some non-terror-inducing pictures online- more adorable Ewok, less petrifying robot. H concluded that he did not like Star Wars and also he did not like balloons, though he did think the Ewok was cute. I concluded that I did not like Star Wars either and also I did not like birthday parties with undisclosed themes.

As parents of kids with SPD, we can plan and prepare and anticipate, we can do our best to protect our kids, to mitigate experiences we know will be challenging, but sometimes, we’ll miss something. It could be staring us right in the face and we’ll still miss it. Our kids will experience something frightening, or in this case, absolutely terrifying. And that’s ok. Each difficult experience they endure and get through builds resilience. The important thing is not that we protect them from everything, but that we acknowledge and validate their feelings when they fall apart and we then help them make sense of their experiences.

That night, H asked me to snuggle him until he fell asleep and I readily agreed. As we snuggled, he asked, “Mommy, next time we go to Playwerx, can you check for Stormtroopers first?” Yes, honey, yes I will.

It’s the Holy Grail of parenting: Keeping your sh%t together when your child is losing his, euphemistically known as staying calm when your child isn’t.

To reach this elusive goal is to find happiness, eternal youth and infinite abundance. Ok, maybe not the last two, but for sure happiness.

It’s a simple enough concept, why is it so damn hard to do?

It all boils down to self-regulation, a fancy word to describe the ability to manage one’s emotions. People with good self-regulation have the ability to both feel their emotions and keep them in check.

When something stressful happens, rather than impulsively reacting by saying or doing something hurtful, turning to a substance like food or alcohol to dull the emotions or pushing the emotions away and ignoring them, they’re able to tolerate and feel the negative feeling (anger, frustration, anxiety etc.) and to choose a healthy way of responding- pausing, taking a deep breath, journaling, sitting through the feeling until it passes.

People with good self-regulation don’t get stuck. They’re flexible and adaptive. It’s not that fewer stressful things happen in their lives, it’s that when life gives them a lemon, they’re better at turning it into lemonade.

Our kids learn by what we do not by what we say, so if we can’t hold it together during stressful moments, they won’t be able to either. How we handle stress, directly influences our children’s brain development.

Let that sink in for a moment. How we handle stress, directly influences our children’s brain development.

Don’t you love how being a parent doesn’t come with any pressure?!

The good news is that if you’re a person who others - your kids, partner, the person who accidentally cut you off in traffic- would not describe as “chill” or “easy-going,” there are several things you can do to improve your ability to self-regulate.

In the meantime, when you're in the eye of your child’s tantrum storm, here are 7 steps to staying calm and handling it without losing your sh%t so you can practice modeling good self-regulation for your kids:

1. Breathe.

This is cliche for a reason. It's imperative for being able to be responsive instead of reactive. Take a deep belly breath and while you're at it, say (either out loud or to yourself), "I am a calm mom." I know it sounds hokey, but it works. Those two simple actions cue your parasympathetic nervous system (the one responsible for keeping you calm) and your prefrontal cortex and help thwart a sympathetic nervous system hijack. You may need to do it a few times in a row.

2. Safety first.

If your child is doing something to hurt himself or to hurt someone else, quickly intervene to make sure everyone is safe. No need to narrate what you're doing, just step in and remove your child and/or any objects he might be using to wreak havoc.

3. Mirror and validate.

Instead of yelling, reprimanding or lecturing, try mirroring and validating first. "You really wanted that toy, I can see you're upset." "That made you mad when I said you couldn't have another popsicle." "You love playing Roblox and it's really hard when it's time to stop."

4. Avoid reasoning.

Trying to reason with a child in the middle of a tantrum is like trying to negotiate with a terrorist. Save yourself the frustration and avoid reasoning all together.

5. Less talk, more action.

This is where I usually mess up. Those who know me would agree that I have a tendency to "over explain" things. Bascially, I like to talk and this can sometimes get me into trouble (read: it can be annoying!). And it most definitely doesn't serve me well when it comes to managing tantrums.

The goal is to state the limit one time. That's it. No need for lengthy explanations or drawn out arguments. Just state it once and let your child have his feelings about it. "We don't grab toys," said as you're giving said toy back to the child who it was just grabbed from. "I can't let you kick me," said as you move your child away from you. "Screen time is over," said as you turn off the Wi Fi.

6. Stay close.

This one is tricky. If you have a child like mine who is "very expressive," staying close while he's "expressing" his anger and frustration can be tough. The idea is that you want to let your child have his feelings (so long as he's not harming himself or others) while staying in close proximity to let him know that you're there. We want to try to be a container for our kids' big feelings so as to teach them it's ok to have all their feelings, the good, the bad and the ugly and that you can handle all their feelings, the good, the bad and the ugle.

Showing our kids that we can handle their feelings by staying close and staying calm throughout their tantrum, no matter how "expressive" (read: bat shit crazy!) they get is the most powerful example of good self-regulation. The more they witness us holding it together while they're not, the more they will internalize the skill of self-regulating.

Full disclosure: When you have a child with sensory issues whose tantrums really go the extra mile, staying calm throughout every single one is not humanly possible. So, give yourself some grace if you're losing it. We all lose it most of the er... from time to time. If you find that it's impossible to stay calm and you're falling apart every time your child does, that's a sign that you're in need of extra support. Don't hesitate to reach out.

7. Reconnect.

Once your child has released all his feelings and is done with his tantrum, give him a hug and tell him you love him. Our society promotes the notion that in order to "teach people a lesson," we have to shame and punish them while withholding affection and love. This notion could not be more false! Need proof? Just look at the rate of recidivism amongst convicted criminals.

Shaming and punishing children actually reinforces bad behavior and leads to higher rates of anxiety, depression, addiction and other mental health issues. People do not change by being shamed and punished. People change when they feel safe, accepted and loved.

This is exactly how we want our children to feel, especially after they've lost their cool- safe, accepted and loved. One of my favorite quotes about parenting is, "Children need the most love when they're acting the least deserving of it." It's so true. I would replace "children" and "they're" with "we" and "we're."

We need the most love when we're acting the least deserving of it.

It's true for all of us.

I hope this is helpful. Remember, there's no way you are going to stay perfectly calm every time your child has a tantrum. There will be times when you yell, lecture or reprimand and this is ok, it's called being human. Just be sure to reconnect with your child when the storm passes.

If your child's tantrums are frequent, intense and atypical, there is likely an underlying physical cause that needs to be treated. Dr. Katiraei of Wholistic Kids and Families has devoted a portion of his practice to helping families of kids with atypical development get to the root of their child's suffering. He's available for telehealth appointments and is truly gifted in his ability to help children heal.

Let me know where you're at with handling your child's tantrums, I'd love to hear your comments and questions.

Meeting your child's sensory needs can be an overwhelming and daunting job, to say the least. It's hard enough juggling all the regular parenting balls - sleep, food, school, homework, playdates, activities, check-ups, keeping them alive - having another layer of needs to meet is enough to cause all of those balls to come crashing down. I've been there.

I spent the first few years of my son's development desperately trying to figure out what sensory processing was all about. In my quest to do whatever I could to help improve his sensory processing, I went a little overboard.

And by "a little overboard," I mean I bought Every. Single.Toy. that was used during his weekly therapy. Each week during physical and occupational therapy, the second the therapist brought out a sensory toy, I whipped out my phone, cued up Amazon, and purchased it. If there was even a slight chance it would help my son, I was buying it. Period. End of discussion.

Our house came to resemble a cross between a jungle gym and a Toys R Us, much to my husband's dismay. My son is eight and a half now and, needless to say, at this point, we've tried out our fair share of sensory toys.

Though I definitely overdid it, I will say that having a sensory playroom has been a godsend and has gone a long way towards meeting my son's needs. We turned our garage into our sensory playroom by putting foam flooring down.

I can't tell you how nice it is to have a separate room with all their sensory toys! My boys basically live in there. Whenever they get a little squirrelly, which is often, all we have to say is "guys, go play in the sensory room." They're old enough now that they know exactly what to do when they're overstimulated and need some calming input and on the flip side, they know what to do when they're craving more input.

Turning your playroom into a sensory play room does not have to cost you an arm and leg nor does it have to involve sampling every sensory toy like I did! To save you (and your bank account) from the trouble, here are 10 Sensory Must-Haves for your Home Sensory Playroom:

1. Yoga Ball $14

There are a million ways to use a yoga ball for sensory play. Ok, that's an exaggeration, but here are a few to get you started.

2. Sensory Swing. $80

Of all the sensory toys we've had, this one by far has given us the biggest bang for our buck! My boys are obsessed with it and literally use it multiple times a day. They have found some very "creative" (read: hair-raising) ways to use it and also love to relax by crawling inside and swinging rhythmically back and forth.

3. Mini Trampoline $60

We've had a mini trampoline since my older son was a toddler. He's eight and a half now and he still uses it every day. It's your perfect one stop shop for providing proprioceptive and vestibular input. I love the handle on this one which gives extra proprioceptive input through the arms.

4. Crash Pad $127

If you have a sensory kid, you will definitely want a crash pad in your playroom! It's a godsend. My boys use ours on a daily basis. It's especially fun for landing on after jumping off the mini trampoline. You can also use it underneath the rock wall (#10) and the sensory swing for exta padding.

We made a DIY crash pad by buying bags of extra foam from a discount upholstery store. If you're in the San Diego area, call UFO Fabrics and ask if they'll save you 5 bags of extra foam. They sell them for $7 a bag. Get a queen size duvet cover and stuff it with the foam and voila! you have yourself a sensory-friendly crash pad.

5. Sensory Tent $22

This is the spot in the playroom where your child can go to unwind and get some calming input. Make it cozy by adding blankets, pillows and cushions. Other calming items you may include are: a weighted blanket, chewy toys, favorite books, calming music, a sound machine, stuffed animals, noise-cancelling headphones and thera putty.

6.Pogo Stick $13

A pogo stick is a fun, easy and safe way for your child to get proprioceptive and vestibular input. My boys have graduated to the big-kid version which is for kids 5 and up.

7. Balance Board $30

Great for core strength, vestibular and proprioceptive input. We use ours a lot when we do obstacle courses (my boys' favorite!). I make it more challenging by tossing a bean bag back and forth while my boys are balancing.

8. Stepping Stones $70

Another sensory toy with a multitude of uses! You can make a path and have your child simply walk across. He can take off his shoes for more tactile input, practice balancing on each step with one foot, jump from one to another, bend down and pick objects of the floor each time he moves to a new step... you can get creative with these bad boys.

9. Sensory Table $90

If you are handy or have a handy partner, you can make a DIY sensory table with a concrete mixing tub and PVP pipe. Click here for instructions.

Sensory tables are the perfect way to give your child different types of tactile input. Click here for a list of 55 things you can put in your sensory table.

10. Rock Climbing Wall $40

This is a must for sensory-seekers! Climbing helps with motor planning, gives proprioceptive input and is a great way to keep your sensory kid occupied when he's getting a little squirrely!

The grand total for all the items is $540. If your budget doesn't allow you to buy everything in one fell swoop (ours didn't), try breaking it up into smaller chunks, two or three items at a time.

If your child is receiving occupational therapy, you'll get more bang for your buck if you continue the sensory activities at home. You can ask your OT to help you come up with a home "sensory diet" to help meet your child's specific sensory needs. Having a home sensory play room ensures that your child will get the sensory input he needs on a daily basis.

As your child gets older, he'll know what kind of input he needs. For example, when my older son is feeling dysregulated, he goes into our playroom, hops in the cocoon swing and uses it to calm himself. Similarly, when my little sensory-seeker has energy to spare, he goes right to the trampoline, does daring tricks on the swing or sets up an obstacle course.

Here are some bonus items that you might want to include as well:

Play Tunnel

Noodle Bonkers

Scooter Board

Gonge Carousel

The Floor is Lava Game

If you have a sensory room at home, I'd love to hear about your child's go-to sensory toys. Leave your comments and questions below.

Here are some additional articles you may want to check out:

What is OT-SI and Will it Help My Child?

My Top Ten Sensory Toy Picks

How to Make a Portable Sensory Bin

If you need additional support, CLICK HERE to schedule a parenting strategy session.

The first time my older son's occupational therapist mentioned "dyspraxia," I had absolutely no idea what it meant. She responded to my blank stare with, "it means difficulty with motor planning." Nope. still not following.

Like most things sensory-processing related, it took me a while to grasp what dyspraxia was and how it was impacting my son. Part of the difficulty was due to the fact that it's not an "official" diagnosis which means it doesn't have a set definition.

Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD) is the official diagnosis and is often used interchangeably with dyspraxia. It's estimated to impact between 5-15 percent of school-aged children (more common in boys) and is often comorbid with ADHD, dysgraphia, sensory processing disorder, anxiety and Autism, yet it remains poorly understood and is therefore underdiagnosed by medical and educational professionals. Sometimes referred to as a "hidden disability," it occurs on a spectrum and affects kids differently.

DCD has made certain aspects of my son's life more challenging, but catching it early and intervening has made all the difference. My goal is to break it down for you so you can A.) determine whether it is part of your child's behavioral and learing challenges and B.) know how to intervene.

What is Dyspraxia/ DCD?

Dyspraxia is a neurological disorder that causes kids to have trouble with movement. Kids with DCD have difficulty with coordination as well as fine motor (handwriting, buttoning, zipping) and gross (crawling, walking, jumping) motor skills and motor planning (sequencing of movements).

These kiddos often appear clumsy and awkward, may avoid movement, be late on motor milestones, have difficulty imitating others, use too little or too much force during fine motor activities and have trouble coming up with new ideas during play.

For example, my son was slightly delayed in his early motor milestones (rolling, sitting, crawling) and moved his body awkwardly. However, his delays were not significant enough for our then pediatrician to identify them as an early red flag, as is often the case due to lack of awareness.

As a toddler, he preferred to play with the same toys (cars and trucks) day after day and had trouble coming up with creative and imaginary play. He had difficulty with things like playing patty cake, clapping,

In preschool, when the teacher would sing songs with accompanying hand motions, my son would sit there with a look of confusion, unable to follow along. Meanwhile all the other kids were happily singing and mimicking the hand motions. It broke my heart. Had I not informed his teacher about his sensory challenges and dyspraxia, it would have been easy for her to judge him as being defiant or just plain lazy. Instead, she did things to make it easier for him, like slow down the songs and hand motions and make sure he was sitting right in front of her.

When he started kindergarten it became immediately apparent that writing was going to be a big challenge. His writing is actually very neat, but it's extremely laborious and takes him such a long time that he avoids it like the plague which impacts his performace in and enjoyment of school.

Dyspraxia impacts the following areas of development: movement, balance, coordination, organization, sensory processing, planning, memory, attention, language, speech, social and emotional.

What are signs of Dyspraxia?

It's true that all kids develop at a different pace and that there's a range for what's considered "normal" when it comes to motor development. Unless your child has extremely overt delays, which many kids with dyspraxia don't, they likely won't be flagged by his or her pediatrician. This makes it all the more important for us parents to educate ourselves and advocate for our kids.

The following is a list of common signs of DCD at different ages:

Infancy/ Toddlerhood

• Slightly or significantly delayed motor milestones (rolling, sitting, crawling)
• "Funky" crawl
• Irritable
• Feeding issues
• Difficulty crossing midline (reaching across body)
• Difficulty with bilateral coordination (clapping, reaching for and grabbing toes)
• Frequently falls and/or trips

Preschool

• Unable to sit still
• Poor fine motor skills- difficulty holding a pencil, using scissors, coloring
• Poor expressive language
• Frequently bumps into things
• Lack of imaginative/ creative play
• Tends to get very excited
• Is exceptionally loud
• Prone to tantrums
• Left or right handedness still not established
• Difficulty concentrating/ short attention span
• Messy eater
• Speech delays/ articulation issues
• Sensory overresponsive
• Slow to respond to verbal instructions/ difficulty following sequence of steps
• Difficulty playing mimicking games
• Trouble going up and down stairs
• Plays too roughly
• Difficulty throwing a ball
• Lack of interest in playing with other kids
• Accident prone

School-aged

• Difficulty forming friendships
• Trouble completing schoolwork
• Dislikes/ complains about P.E.
• Difficulty with handwriting/ barely legible writing/ takes forever to write
• Low frustration tolerance/ easily distressed
• Trouble following directions
• Difficulty cutting food/ using utensils
• Hand flapping when excited
• Difficulty sleeping/ frequent nightmares
• Avoids playing sports
• Seeks out younger kids to play with
• Resistant to changes in how or when tasks are done
• Slow to respond even when knows the answer

Tweens and Teens

• Difficulty learning to drive
• Avoids/ struggles with typing and texting
• Difficulty with transition to middle an highschool (trouble getting used to new schedule, finding classes, remembering teachers names)
• Difficulty keeping up with peers
• Difficulty playing sports
• Low self-esteem
• Trouble concentrating
• Poor organization skills
• Academic/ learing challenges
• Appears lazy and non-compliant
• Difficulty picking up on non-verbal communication

What are common strengths of a dyspraxic child?

I realize the list of red flags is long and daunting. If you suspect or already know your child has dyspraxia, you may be thinking, oh my gosh, my poor kid, these challenges seem so overwhelming! But, like most things in life, there's a flip side.

Because their challenges force them to find creative solutions in order to adapt, dyspraxic children are often more empathic, detail-oriented and determined than their non-dyspraxic peers. They also tend to be extremely creative when it comes to problem solving and are able to see the "big picture."

I'm amazed by the way my son's mind works. He is detail-oriented to the point that if he says I've forgotten something, even if I don't think I did, I will immediately go check because he's always right. Or if we remember things differently, I immediately know my memory is off because his is always spot on. The joke in our family is, "listen to Hunter, he's always right!" Ha! It reminds me that every challenge also has its accompanying benefits.

How is Dyspraxia diagnosed?

Dyspraxia can be officially diagnosed by a pediatrician, pediatric neurologist or a child psychiatrist. Other professionals including physical and occupational therapists, child psychologists, and educational psychologists can assess for and identify DCD, but can't make an official diagnosis.

When assessing for DCD, evaluators will use specific tests to look at strength, balance, coordination, motor planning, fine motor control and range of motion. They will also look at cognitive skills, emotional development and how your child's gross and fine motor development progressed through infancy and toddlerhood.

The most common ages for assessment are five and six.

What is the treatment for Dyspraxia?

The primary treatment for DCD is occupational therapy (OT), also called Sensory Integration Therapy (OT-SI). Though your child won't "outgrow" DCD, with the right intervention, he will definitely improve. The earlier he/she is diagnosed, the better and faster his/her improvement will be.

My son received occupational therapy from the time he was 11 months until he was almost 7 and he has made incredible progress. He still doesn't love sports and he struggles with handwriting, but he is well-liked by his peers, has fewer meltdowns, is showing more self-confidence, and does not appear uncoordinated in the slightest. In fact, recently as he was riding his scooter with a girlfriend's son, my girlfriend commented, "Hunter is so coordinated!" I nodded with a smile, and replied, "You're right, he is pretty coordinated."

What do I do if I suspect my child has dyspraxia?

The first person to talk with is your pediatrician. Having said that, there's a good chance he or she will have no idea what you're talking about and/or will dismiss your concerns! But, if she has awareness about dyspraxia, she will be able to give you referrals to either an occupational or physical therapist.

If you can't get a referral from your pediatrician and you can afford to pay out of pocket, google "sensory integration therapy" and see what comes up in your area. When looking for a local clinic, make sure their website specifically mentions sensory integration (not all OT's have this speciality). Once you find a reputable clinic, make an appointment for an assessment. Be sure to ask if they take insurance as many clinics do.

If paying out of pocket is not an option, you can have your child tested through the school and push for either an IEP or a 504 plan to get formal accomodations. At the very least, discuss your child's challenges with his teacher and brainstorm ways that she may be able to give him extra support in the classroom. She may be able to break up school work into smaller steps, lessen the amount of writing he's required to do, allow extra time to complete tasks, use simple language and instructions and provide plenty of praise and encouragement to help boost his self-esteem.

Tips for parents

Parenting a child with dyspraxia comes with its own unique set of challenges, believe me, I know! Homeschool has definitely illuminated my son's challenges with handwriting, especially since he's more comfortable expressing his frustrations with me than he is when he's at school (Read: flat out refusing to do his work)!

On one hand, I don't want to be too accomodating. On the other hand, I have to find a way to limit the number of power struggles and to help him enjoy learning at home. The struggle is real!

The following are strategies you can use at home to help your child:

• Break large tasks into smaller ones (instead of- get dressed, brush your teeth, comb your hair and get your shoes on - break it down to two things at a time or even one)
• Simplify activities
• Have realistic expectations and goals (ie. instead of hoping he scores a goal at the soccer game, celebrate the fact that he even got out on the field to play!)
• Give lots and lots of encouragement and positive reinforcement
• Praise participation over competition
• Avoid judging and shaming
• Give extra time to complete new tasks
• Use a visual schedule
• Provide lots of time for active play - as much park time as possible!
• Work on your patience (easier said than done!)
• Lots of deep breaths! (ha!)

Identifying and getting the right intervention for your child's dyspraxia is imperative for improving his functioning. It won't magically make his challenges disappear, but over time it will make things easier for both of you.

Please leave any questions or comments below, I'd love to hear from you.

The holidays are an expensive time of year even under normal circumstances. The pandemic has put an enormous strain on finances, making this holiday season that much more stressful.

In the name of lowering your stress, here are 25 sensory toy stocking stuffer picks under $15...

1. Rapper Snappers
   Great for proprioceptive and auditory input. Though, I'm not going to lie, the sound is pretty annoying!

2. Mini Etch a Sketch
   The perfect activity for the ride home from school. Provides fine motor and visual stimulation.

3. Holiday Reindeer Popper
   My boys love this! Gives propriocetive input.

4. Pur Gum
   Chewing gum is calming for sensory-seekers. This gum is made with natural ingredients and has a delicious flavor- great for kids like my son who are sensitive to anything "spicy." Appropriate for kids four and older.

5. Chewy Tubes
   Another great activity for sensory-seekers- chomping down on these can be soothing and calming.

6. Jacob's Ladder
   A great visually stimulating travel toy.

7. Monkey Noodle
   Perfect for tactile stimulation- your child can stretch, pull, bend, wrap and squeeze them, then watch them bounce back to their original shape.

8. Water Wigglies
   The slippery texture of this fun little toy provides tactile input.

9. Wikki Stix
   Great for tactile input and imaginative play.

10. Water Flutes
    A great oral-motor activity.

11. Bug Out Bob
    This is the creepiest looking toy, but my boys love it! Gives proprioceptive input and provides lots of laughs.

12. Seamless Socks
    Eliminate clothing wars with these fabulous seamless socks.

13. Wooden Puzzle Fidget
    Keep your child's hands occupied and challenge his fine motor skills with this wooden fidget.

14. Water Beads
    The ultimate tactile experience (not great for kids with tactile defensiveness).

15. Chewy Jewelry
    A inconspicuous way for your sensory-seeker to get proprioceptive input.

16. Cosmic Ray Wand
    A visually stimulating toy that teaches action/reaction.

17. Hairy Tangle
    The "hairy" texture gives tactile input.

18. DNA Ball
    Provides visual and tactile input. A great toy to keep on hand to help calm a stimulated child or to give input to an under-responsive child.

19. Bath Slime
    Make bath time extra fun with this "gunky green" bath slime. Don't worry, it won't stain. Great for sensory-seekers. If you're child is sensory-defensive, you'll want to ease into it.

20. Lacing Beads
    A great fine-motor and motor planning activity.

21. Sensory Play Foam
    A low-mess tactile activity.

22. Spinning Galaxy Light Ball
    Great for visual stimulation.

23. Pull and Stretch Bounce Balls
    Provides tactile, proprioceptive and visual input.

24. Vibrating Toothbrush
    The perfect way to give your child sensory input before school and bedtime. Some kids are sensitive to the vibration so tread lightly if you have an over-responsive kiddo.

25. Shaker Eggs
    A parent-approved (read: non-irritating) way for your child to get auditory stimulation.

Here's to helping your child stay regulated during the holidays and to helping you stay regulated when you look at your bank account balance!

I'd love to hear from you- leave your comments and questions below.

Gift-giving is at the top of my "most stressful things about the holidays" list. If my husband is reading this, he's definitely raising a brow. You see, I love shopping (much to his dismay) and gift-giving is actually one of my favorite things to do.

But, holiday gift-giving? Well, that's a different story.

It's one thing to buy a gift for a birthday, anniversary or special occasion, but figuring out what to get for our kids, my nieces and nephews, my parents, my girlfriend gift exchange, white elephant party, my grandma, our cousins...it's a lot, even for a seasoned shopper like yours truly.

That's why I'm a sucker for a good holiday gift guide- anything to help ease the pressure of coming up with multiple gift ideas.

So, in the spirit of making the holidays less stressful, I've compiled a holiday gift guide specifically for sensory-sensitive kids (but great for all kids!). It includes passive toys which promote creativity, problem-solving and sensory integration.

Here are my top picks by age...

Babies (0-12 Months)

Tummy Time Mat
The perfect tummy time activity that incorporates tactile and visual stimulation.

Spin Around Glitter Drum
Great for hand-eye coordination. The sparkly pattern and pleasant sound (not too noisy) will grab your baby's attention.

Comfort Silkie
This light weight, super silky blanket is the perfect "lovie" for your baby.

Curiosity Cube
An interactive toy that promotes curiosity, exploration and coordination.

Chewy Tubes
Fabulous for calming proprioceptive input.

Spin Ball
Both my boys were obsessed with this as infants. Great for visual, tactile and auditory input.

Sensory Teether
This BPA-free teether is also great for two-handed play.

Floor Mirror
Watch as your baby becomes enamored by his own reflection. The perfect way to promote visual skills.

Mini Rainmaker
Your baby will love this! It promotes visual and auditory development as well as hand-eye coordination.

Wooden Teethers
Wood has natural antibacterial and antimicrobrial properties making it a great choice for a teether.

Musical Instrument Set
This BPA-free instrument set promotes gross motor skills and may even set the stage for a future Bradley Cooper or Lady Gaga (If you haven't heard them sing in A Star is Born, you need to download the soundtrack immediately!).

Links
You can never have too many links! Great for hanging toys in your baby's play area and on his stroller and car seat as well as for giving him opportunities to practice his grasp.

Toddler (12-36 months)

Radio Flyer Spin n Saucer
This schnazzy little ride is fabulous for vestibular and proprioceptive input.

Gonge River Stones
Perfect for motor planning, balance, gross motor skills and coordination.

Jumbo Pegboard Set
Promotes fine motor skills, sorting, counting and patterning.

Large Building Blocks
Great for motor planning and gross motor development. Tip- fill them with dried pinto beans to turn them into a wonderful proprioceptive activity.

Thomas the Train Set (avoid battery trains)
Encourages imagination, motor planning and fine motor skills.

Corolle Baby Doll
Great for social-emotional development

Corolle Potty Doll (girl)
This baby drinks her bottle and goes potty "for real" when her tummy is pressed. A great asset for potty training.

Corolle Potty Doll (boy)

Battat Trucks
These trucks are the perfect size and great for both indoor and outdoor play. Though they're not necessarily a "sensory" toy, they are perfect for enticing your child to play in the sand and/or the dirt for some tactile input.

Ball Drop
Promotes fine-motor, hand-eye coordination, and problem-solving skills.

Pounding Tower
If you have a "prop-seeker," this is a must-have.

Suction Kupz
Encourages fine motor skills, spatial reasoning, creativity and experimentation.

Move and Groove Dance Game
This fun family game builds balance, coordination and spatial orientation.

Weighted Tactile Bean Bags
These are great for tactile and proprioceptive feedback and can be used in a variety of ways- tossing them, catching them, hiding them in a sensory bin and searching for them. My boys love to stand on their balance board and try to catch them as I gently toss them.

Pre-School (3-5 years)

Plasma Car
This is the gift that keeps on giving. We've had it since my older son was 3 (now he's 6) and it's still a favorite. Great for vestibular and propriocetive input.

Gonge Top
My boys love this giant multi-use top! Gives lots of vestibular input and encourages kids to use their imaginations.

Spot it
This is one of our favorite games. It helps develop focus and visual perception, speech-language and fine motor skills. It's also a great way to help your kids learn about being a "good winner" and a "good loser."

Motion Bubbler
The perfect stocking stuffer for kids who tend towards hyper-arousal.

Thinking Putty
A wonderful way to help kids squeeze, twist, bend, and pull our their frustrations.

Rody
I'll admit that Rody is a little creepy looking, but kids love it! It's great for vestibular and proprioceptive input, core strengthing and balance. I store ours in the closet when the kids aren't playing with it!

Mermaid Fabric Pillow
Provides tactile and visual stimulation- its incredibly soft texture is addictive!

Squigz
Encourages fine motor skills, spatial reasoning, creativity and experimentation. I even love playing with these!

Magnatiles
This is my all-time favorite toy. I love watching my boys build with these- I'm always so impressed by their creations.

Poptubes
These are great for bilateral coordination as well as auditory input. Note- they make a pretty annoying sound, but they are inexpensive and kids love them!

Sensory Swing
This is by far the best sensory toy we've ever purchased! My boys literally use it multiple times a day. Great for vestibular and proprioceptive input. Depending on how your kids use it, it can give calming or alerting input.

Water beads
A fabulous tactile toy, these are a sensory-seeker's dream come true!

School-Aged (5-7 years)

Racerz Car Designer
Another household favorite, this is great for fine motor, motor planning and creativity.

Doodle Quest
A cross between a game and an arts and crafts activity, Doodle Quest helps develop visual-spatial skills, hand-eye coordination and fine motor skills.

Door Pong
Encourages hand-eye coordination, gross motor skills, concentration, cooperative play and gives proprioceptive input.

Pogo Jumper
The perfect before-school activity to warm up your child's body and prime him for learning. Gives vestibular and proprioceptive input and is great for developing balance.

Spooner Board
Improves core strength, stability, balance, coordination and gross-motor skills.

Slime Making Kit
Turn your child into a scientist while giving him lots of tactile input.

Wireless Headphones
Music is one of the best tools for calming over-stimulated kids. Cue up some classical music and throw these on your child after-school to help him unwind. Perfect for road trips.

Insta Snow
Another great stocking-stuffer. This fabulous concoction turns ordinary water into a white fluffy substance that looks like real snow. Great for tactile input.

Chew Jewelry
A "chic" or "cool" option for older kids who benefit from the sensory input of chewing.

Sensory Sox
This wearable sensory sock helps with self-regulation, balance and increases body and spatial awareness. It also makes a great "monster" suit, according to my son.

Monilon Magnetic Building Sticks
Helps develop kids’ creativity, hand-eye coordination and visual-spatial skills.

Velcro Toss and Catch
My younger son LOVES this! It's the perfect game for teacher younger kids to play catch. It provides proprioceptive input and promotes hand eye coordination.

Marble Run
This is a great toy for promoting fine motor skills, visual processing, and motor planning.

School-Aged (7-9 years)

Sensory Swing
We got this when my boys were young and they still use it multiple times a day, every day. It can be installed indoors or outdoors- we have ours in our garage, which we converted into a playroom. My husband said it was pretty easy to install. It's perfect for both sensory seekers and sensory avoiders.

I Got This
This is a super fun family game that encourages motor planning, coordination, and critical thinking skills.

Electronic Arcade Basketball
Your kids will enjoy some good old fashioned sibling competition while simultaneously working on their hand eye coordination.

Ribbon Ninja
Another great game for siblings. It promotes gross motor skills and coordination.

Doodle Board
For your art-loving sensory kid, this is the perfect travel toy.

Pocket Sized Fidget Cube
If your child needs something discreet to fidget with at school, this is the perfect sized incognito fidget.

Stunt Scooter
Great for sensory seekers who are ready to take their scooter tricks up a notch!

Walkaroo Stilts
These promote balance, core strength and coordination.

Pogo Bounce Ball
A great toy for waking up the nervous system and giving lots of vestibular and proprioceptive input.

Obstacle Course
Turn your backyard into a sensory obstacle course with this kit.

There you have it, my top toy picks for your sensory-sensitive child. I hope this elminates any gift-giving induced holiday stress and helps make your holiday season more enjoyable. If you have any gift ideas you'd like to add, please leave them in the comments below.

Click here for my top stocking stuffer picks.

Before I was a mom, I'd never given a single passing thought to the role the tactile system plays in a person's behavior and ability to self-regulate. Then I became a mom to a baby with sensory processing issues which manifested very early on in extreme aversion to certain textures. Suddenly the term "tactile" took on new importance.

As an infant, my son preferred firm pressure. As long as he was swaddled as tight as a mummy or being carried snuggly in a baby wrap, he was calm and regulated. The rest of the time? Well, let's just say there was a lot of crying. A lot.

As a toddler, while other kids in our mommy 'n me class were happily finger painting, playing with playdoh or digging in the sand, he wouldn't go near any of those activities with a ten foot pole. Playing with toy cars or trucks was more his speed.

These scenarios are not uncommon amongst sensory kids. Most, but not all, children with sensory processing issues are impacted in their tactile system. That's because, along with the proprioceptive and vestibular senses, it forms the cornerstone of sensory processing.

The importance of the tactile system cannot be overstated. It is our largest sensory system, one which covers every inch of our bodies, and it's the first system to develop in the womb. It plays a huge role in the overall organization of the nervous system and has an enormous impact on a child's behavior.

Receptors under our skin's surface take in information about touch, changes in pressure, temperature, pain and vibrations. The receptors carry information to our brain regarding the quality or quantity of the sensation, our brain interprets the information and then decides how to respond.

Children with a well-developed tactile sense are secure and organized in their bodies and are able to attend to and respond to all the other sensory input they encounter each day. They are curious about and driven to explore their enviroment which stimulates brain development by giving them more exposure to sensory input.

Children with tactile processing issues register certain sensations as "threats" causing them to overreact to the everyday demands of life, to have trouble doing things on their own and to avoid exploring their environment. When a child is fearful about exploring his environment he will have less exposure to sensory input and fewer opportunities for sensory integration which is the foundation of brain development; when the tactile system isn’t functioning well, it directly impacts a child’s development.

Kids with tactile processing issues can have sensory modulation issues and/or sensory discrimination issues. Sensory modulation issues are when the brain either over responds or under responds to sensory input. When kids over respond to tactile input they will avoid or withdraw from it and are said to be "tactile defensive."

Signs of tactile defensiveness:

• Fearful of crowds
• Dislikes hair brushing, teeth brushing, bathing, cutting nails
• Seems anxious or fearful of light touch
• Resists hugs and cuddles (an infant who doesn't like to be held)
• Overreacts to minor scrapes and cuts
• Extremely ticklish
• Walks on tiptoes
• Refuses to walk barefoot on certain surfaces (grass, sand)
• Responds with emotional intensity to light touch
• Completely avoids messy play
• Finds cold or warm weather extremely uncomfortable
• Gets very upset by tags in clothing
• Very picky about clothing
• Picky eater

Other kids with modulation issues under respond to tactile input. This is called "tactile seeking" meaning the more tactile input these kiddos can get, the better; they actively seek it out.

Signs of tactile seeking:

• Constantly touches everything
• Enjoys strong flavors
• Frequently mouths objects
• High pain tolerance
• Engages in rough play- unaware when hurting others
• Doesn't notice light touch
• Not aware of face being dirty or nose running
• Engages in behaviors like biting, punching, hitting, skin picking, headbanging
• Not impacted by temperature- will go outside without a jacket even when it's extremely cold or wear long sleeves when it's hot
• Seeks out messy play- the messier, the better!

My younger son is a tactile seeker. He LOVES messy play, is the world's messiest eater, can take a huge fall and jump up like nothing happened and loves to engage in rough and tumble play.

Sensory discrimination issues happen when the brain struggles to interpret and give meaning to sensory input. A child with tactile discrimination issues will have difficulty telling the difference between objects based solely on how they feel.

Often children who are tactile defensive will also have discrimination issues. Because their brains register tactile input as a threat, they are too busy reacting to the sensation to engage in the discriminative process of finding out what the sensation means.

A child with tactile discrimination issues may:

• Be clumsy
• Grasp things too tightly or not tightly enough
• Be unable to identify common objects through touch
• Be unable to differentiate between light and firm touch
• Have poor motor skills
• Be afraid of the dark
• Be a messy dresser- doesn't notice if pants are inside out or twisted, if shirt is untucked etc.

Being a kid with tactile processing issues is no walk in the park and neither is being their parent as I'm sure you know! Having both a tactile defensive child and a tactile seeker, I can tell you that they each have their challenges.

I can also tell you that with the right intervention, those challenges will get easier. When my older son was a toddler we spent a year in occupational and physical therapy focusing on his tactile issues and it was a complete game-changer.

He's eight years old now and you would never in a million years guess that he was tactile defensive. Well, except when he gets hurt... he definitely still "over reacts" (I put in quotes because he's not really over reacting, he is reacting to the way it actually feels to him!) to minor cuts and scrapes BUT, he has no issues with clothes, no problems with bathing or teeth brushing, is a much better eater and while I'm not going to say he loves messy play, he definitely doesn't mind it.

Sensory Integration Therapy (OT-SI) is the best intervention for reducing tactile processing issues. If you have a child who is either over or under responsive to tactile input, finding an OT in your area who is "SI-certified" is the best first-step.

In the meantime, here are some things you can do at home to help your over responsive kiddo:

• Before mealtime, encourage oral-motor play - blowing bubbles, chewy toys, drinking through a straw
• Chewing on ice before meals may decrease sensitivity to food textures
• Remove tags from clothing; shop for seamless clothing
• Dry brushing (ask your child's OT)
• Use deep pressure- bear hugs, swaddles and baby wraps for infants, theratog
• Weighted blankets for sleeping
• As much proprioceptive input as possible- lots and lots of "heavy work" activities
• Provide opportunities for scaffolded tactile experiences

As a parent of a tactile defensive child, the most important thing to remember is that your child is NOT being "difficult" on purpose. Believe me when I say that I know how incredibly challenging it is to parent a child who is constantly over reacting to sensory/ tactile input. It can be absolulely crazy-making and there are moments where it really does seem like your child is just being difficult, but he isn't, I promise. No kid wants to experience life in a way that involves constantly being in a fight or flight response.

It can be especially hard for dads of boys who are over responsive to not be dismissive of their child's feelings. You want to avoid saying things like, "What are your crying about?" "That's not itchy!" "That didn't hurt!" "You're overreacting!" "Just put the damn socks on!"

It's hard to keep our cool when we have a kid who falls apart all the time and we're not going to be able to stay calm one hundred percent of the time, but if we can keep reminding ourselves that our child isn't doing it on purpose and that his brain truly is registering certain sensations as threats, it can help mitigate our frustration.

Remember: it's not a behavioral issue, it's a brain issue!

Tactile defensive kids need lots of opportunities for tactile play, but those opportunities need to be scaffolded. You don't want to just shove your kid's hands in a pile of shaving cream in the name of exposure. Instead, you want to start slow, model the experience yourself and build up to more intense tactile input.

For example, you can put shaving cream on a cookie sheet and model driving matchbox cars through it. If your child wants to join in, great! If not, you can continue modeling it and just let him watch. Next time maybe he'll join in.

Same goes for fingerpainting.

CLICK HERE to download a Tactile Defensive Support Cheat Sheet

If you have a tactile seeker, no need to scaffold, your job is to provide as many opportunities for tactile play as possible!

Here are some ideas:

• Stock up on finger paints, play doh, kinetic sand, slime, putty- anything gooey, squishy or messy!
• Turn your water table into a sensory table by filling it with different textures- sand, mud, shaving cream, dried rice and beans etc.
• Try to do tactile activities that engage the entire body- swimming, ball pits, playing in sprinkler, slip n slide
• For story time, use touch and feel books
• Have a good old fashioned pillow fight
• Provide crunchy and chewy snacks
• Give lots of oral-motor input- chewy necklaces, straws, bubbles
• Create a "fidget box" with fidget spinners, stress balls, rubix cubes etc.
• Provide as many "heavy work" activities as possible!

CLICK HERE to download a Tactile Seeker Support Cheat Sheet.

Having a well-functioning tactile system is essential for healthy development. If your child's isn't functioning well, be assured that with consistent exposure to a wide variety of tactile experiences, it will improve.

Please leave any questions or comments below and don't hesitate to reach out if you need more support.

Hormones have an enormous influence on a child's development, but because they're poorly understood by many doctors, they often get overlooked in terms of the role they play in a child's developmental issues.

According to Integrative Pediatrician, Dr. Katiraei of Wholistic Kids and Families, who has received highly specialized training in understanding the role of hormones, even when hormone levels appear "normal," they are not necessarily "optimal." Subtle hormonal imbalances that do not show up in routine labwork can have an enormous impact on a child's mood and behavior.

There are two areas of hormonal function that Dr. K looks at when a child is struggling behaviorally: the thyroid and adrenals.

The thyroid plays an important role in metabolism, growth and overall development. Traditional labs measure thryoid-stimulating hormone, but this alone doesn't give an accurate picture of how the thyroid is functioning. Using a specialized type of analysis called the Biology of Functions, Dr. K is able to get a much more nuanced picture of how well the thryoid is functioning.

There's a specific pattern of behaviors and issues in children whose thyroid appears normal in regular labs but is actually functioning at a sub-optimal level:

• Emotional lability/ mood swings/ anxious
• Intense meltdowns that seem to come out of nowhere
• Pattern of getting "stuck" on things/ perseverating/ overthinking
• Separation and/or anticipation anxiety
• Highly creative
• Have vivid dreams, often in color

Often these kids began having big tantrums and meltdowns beginning around three years old which they never "outgrew." The child is judged and the parents are blamed for his behavioral issues when the truth is that these kiddos get caught up in a hormonal storm that is out of their control.

Fortunately there is a simple and safe intervention that can help balance the thyroid: Oatstraw. It's a healing herb that is rich in vitamins A, C, E, K, & B-complex and minerals such as iron, calcium, magnesium, silica, and zinc.

If your child fits the above profile, you can buy oatstraw at your local health food store and make a tea out of it: add 2 teaspoons of the dried herb to 1 cup of hot water and allow to steep for 15 minutes or more. Add honey to sweeten. Have your child drink a cup a day. It should take 3-4 weeks to see the results. For faster results, you can purchase an herbal tincture from Wholistic Kids. Just shoot them an email and tell them you are interested in trying their thyroid tincture.

The adrenals glands produce hormones that we can't live without including cortisol, epinephrine, norepinephrine and DHEA. We talk a lot about "adrenal fatigue" in adults, but we rarely discuss it in kids. Sensory kids tend to have adrenals that are very sensitive and can get easily thrown off. When this happens you get a kid who is "tired but wired," whose sympathetic nervous system is overstimulated and who is experiencing adrenal fatigue.

The following are symptoms of adrenal dysfucntion in children:

• Crabby in the morning despite a good night's sleep
• Tired despite a good night's sleep
• Crashes in the afternoons around 2-4pm
• Irritable in afternoon
• Gets a second wind around bedtime and are "wired" instead of winding down
• Wakes up with dark circles under eyes which go away in a couple hours

The adrenals and thyroid are linked- when the adrenals are tapped out, the thyroid gland becomes overstimulated and you will start to see the symptoms of an out of balance thyroid.

To support the adrenals, you can give 1-3ml of the herb "ribes nigrum" in the morning. You can also purchase adrenal support tinctures from Wholistic Kids.

To determine whether your child has an underlying hormonal imbalance, click here.

Both my boys have subtle thyroid and adrenal imbalances which have impacted their mood, behavior and functioning. We've been supplementing with the adrenal tinctures for several months and have noticed an improvement in both their moods and energy level. Recently, my older son began taking Dr. K's thyroid tincture and we're tracking his progress. We've noticed a decrease in him getting "stuck" on things as well as fewer meltdowns.

As Dr. K says, *"When kids feel well, they act well. When they don't, they don't!" *

If your child is struggling with sensory and behavioral issues, there are likely underlying physical imbalances that are contributing to his challenges. Getting to the bottom of what those imbalances are is crucial for helping your child heal. Click here (and scroll to the bottom) for an interview with Dr. K in which he explains hormonal imbalances in more detail.

Additional articles that may be helpful:

Energy Metabolism and Sensory Processing: What You Need to Know

The Domino Effect of Poor Energy Metabolism

An Integrative Pediatrician Answers Your Questions

If you have any questions, don't hesitate to reach out. I'm here to support you and your child.

Through his work with hundreds of children, Integrative pediatrician, Dr. Katiraei of Wholistic Kids and Families has found that a large percentage of Sensory Kids have an underlying physical imbalance which creates a domino effect which wreaks havoc on their entire system.

The underlying imbalance has to do with the way our mitochondria (the "generators" in each cell) convert nutrients into energy. When our mitochondria are doing their job efficiently, we have enough energy to fuel our brain, muscles, and organs. We feel good and our bodies work well.

When the mitochondria aren’t doing their job well, we lack the vitality and resilience to function and our physical, emotional and mental health suffer. Children whose mitochondria aren’t functioning efficiently are more prone to sensory, gut, immune, adrenal and hormonal dysfunction, all of which tend to manifest in challenging behaviors that are largely misunderstood by parents, teachers, family and friends.

In this interview, Dr. K. explains in detail why poor mitochondrial function or poor energy metabolism impacts every other system in the body. I recommend pulling the interview up on your phone, plugging in your earbuds, putting your phone in your pocket and listening like you would listen to a podcast. That way, you can listen in segments if you don't have the time to listen to the entire interview in one sitting.

To help this invaluable information sink in, here is a list of the key takeaways:

• Good energy metabolism is the foundation of good health
• Signs of poor energy metabolism include: tires easily; prefers to sit and play rather than run around the playground; crashes after short spans of activity; slow to get going in the morning; has history of skipping or delayed motor milestones; wakes up tired despite good night of sleep; has dark circles under eyes, has low muscle tone
• Low energy metabolism leads to gut issues, but you can’t fix a child’s gut until you fix the underlying problem with energy metabolism
• Mitochondria are like little generators in each of our cells that make the electricity that fuels our bodies
• Genetics and toxins like glyphosates are two of the biggest mitochondrial disruptors
• Our environment and our food supply are more toxic than they have ever been in the past and are part of the reason why we are seeing a rise in Autism, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder and other developmental issues
• There is no “cookie cutter” approach that will fix all children; each child has his own unique story which must be looked at through a zoomed out lens
• If a child has eating issues, poor energy metabolism is often the underlying culprit
• The domino effect looks like this: we need energy to chew food, we need energy to digest food, we need energy to produce stomach acid and digestive enzymes, we need energy to produce bile to break down fats… when our body is not efficiently converting food into energy, all of these feeding mechanisms suffer which leads to digestive and gut issues
• Low energy production = poor eating = poor digestion = poor gut function = poor immune function
• There are simple ways you can optimize your mitochondrial function - Spectrumneeds is an amazing supplement for sensory kids as is L-Carnitine (email me for questions about dosing)
• Healing your child is a marathon, not a sprint
• There are simple ways to improve your child’s digestive tract: Orthobiotic Powder Probiotic, Biotagen Prebiotic and Digestive Enzymes are three safe supplements that can help (I mix the powder with Spectrumneeds in a little bit of juice for my boys)
• In children 5 years and older, you can give ½ tsp apple cider vinegar in a little bit of water before meals to help with digestion
• Adrenal imbalance is common in kids with low energy metabolism. Signs include: crabby in the mornings, dark circles under eyes, meltdowns common around 2pm-4pm, then get a burst of energy at bedtime- are “tired but wired”
• An estimated 40 percent of sensory kids have adrenal issues
• Common side effects of adrenal issues include: allergies, red eyes, immune issues and eczema
• The adrenals need a ton of energy, that is why adrenal fatigue is common when a child has low energy metabolism
• Adults who have adrenal issues can take Eleuthero Root to help balance
• Children can take this herbal adrenal tincture to bring their adrenals back into balance
• Energy production also impacts hormone regulation- sensory kids often have thyroid issues which contribute to their behavioral issues
• Sensory kids are physically ailing and often do not have control over their behavior
• In order to help them we need to understand the underlying physical imbalances that are the root of their suffering
• When kids systems are “short circuiting,” it makes it very hard to connect with them and creates a negative feedback loop which impacts their sense of self and our relationship with them
• We as parents need to suspend our judgments about our kids’ behavior so we can get to the bottom of what’s causing them to suffer

If there's one thing you take away from this interview, let it be this: children with sensory issues and accompanying behavioral problems are NOT bad kids and your are NOT a bad parent.

These kiddos are physically ailing and often don't have control over how they're acting. Dr. K. wants you to know that THERE ARE ways to help your child heal. It's going to be a marathon, not a sprint, but with faith, patience and tenacity, you can help get your child's system back in balance. It's Dr. K and my mission to help you do just that. Visit Wholistic Minds for more guidance on how to get to the bottom of your child's issues.

Leave your questions and comments below.

As my son has gotten older, he’s become more aware of his sensory issues and how they make him, well, more sensitive. Recently, during bedtime snuggles, he blurted out, “mommy, why is C so much tougher than me?”

My younger son, C, also has sensory processing issues, but they manifest in a completely different way than H’s. While H is tactile-defensive and extremely sensitive to pain, C is a tactile-seeker and is seemingly void of pain receptors.

For example, when C was 3-years-old, he gashed his head open on our railing and ended up at the ER, needing staples. The doctor prepped the area with lidocaine while he simultaneously prepared several nurses to hold C still.

Everyone braced themselves as the doctor delivered the first staple. Everyone but C, that is. He sat there like a statue, completely unphased. No exaggeration, he didn’t even flinch. The doctor said he’d never seen anything like it!

Meanwhile, if H so much as gets the tiniest little scratch, I’m talking microscopic, you can hear him screaming from a mile away. It’s quite a noticeable difference, one that had apparently started to bother H.

After an awkward attempt at explaining that everyone’s brain processes pain differently, that this was part of his and his brother’s sensory differences and that it was neither good nor bad, but just was, he replied, “mommy, will I ever become less…. sensitive?”

Then, tears.

My heart broke as he snuggled into me to have a good cry.

I knew he needed to let those feelings out, so I curtailed my attempts to try to make him feel better, and just rubbed his back until he fell asleep.

I laid awake thinking about how to explain things to him in a way that both made sense and helped him feel empowered and confident in who he was. Here’s what I came up with and how it went down…

Me: H, I want to explain why our senses are important and how we use them for lots of things.

H: Blank stare.

Me: Did you know that our brains are constantly taking in information from our senses?

H: Blank stare.

Me: * changing tactics * I bet you don’t know how many senses you have!

H: Yes, I do!

Me: How many?

H: Five!

Me: That’s what most people think, BUT, you actually have 8 senses. Do you want me to tell you what they all are?

H: Nods head.

Me: Well, there are the five that most people know about: sight, hearing, taste, touch and smell AND there are three more that have big names: the vestibular, proprioceptive and interoceptive senses.

H: Mom, why are you talking about this?

Me: Becaaaauuuse...** the way our brains make sense of the information we get from our senses affects everything we do** - the way we move our bodies, the way we feel inside our bodies, the way we learn, the way we make friends, the way we play… EVERYTHING!

Sometimes a person’s brain gets a little confused by sensory information. Like the person might touch something slimy or squishy and the brain says, ‘What in the world is that, I don’t like that!’ Or the brain might hear a loud sound and say, ‘YIKES! That was scary!’ Or when the person eats certain foods, the brain says, “This is the yuckiest food I’ve ever tasted, spit it out, NOW!”

Everyone’s brain has a special built-in alarm system to tell us when something is dangerous - like if you see a giant spider, your brain’s alarm system says, “don’t touch that!” or if you’re trying to cross the street and a car comes speeding by, your brain says, “STOP!” The alarm system is there to keep us safe and it springs into action without us even being aware of it.

When a person’s brain gets confused by sensory information, the alarm system goes off and tells the person he isn’t safe, even though he really is! When this happens, the person might feel scared, angry and overwhelmed and it makes it harder for him to play, learn and have fun.

H: Does my brain get confused?

Me: Yes, honey, it does. But, everyone’s brain gets confused sometimes… like you know how mommy gets super agitated when it’s really noisy? That’s because my brain is getting confused by the sounds I’m hearing and it tells me I’m in danger. When mommy, says things like, “YOU GUYS! You are being WAY TOO LOUD!” That’s because my brain got a little confused by noise and my internal alarm started going off.

Some people’s brains get confused a little more often. When that happens it’s called Sensory Processing Disorder.

H: Does my brain get confused more often?

Me: Yes, honey.

H: But, why?! I wish my brain didn’t do that.

Me: Everyone is different, we all have things that our brains are really good at and things that our brains need more help with. The things your brain is good at are your Superpowers! Like, your brain is SUPER good at remembering details about things, so one of your superpowers is being attentive to details.

H: I’m also really good at Minecraft. Is playing Minecraft one of my Superpowers?

Me: Er… sure, honey! In Minecraft, you have to be creative, so I think creativity is one of your Superpowers. Remember how I mentioned the senses with big names- the vestibular and proprioceptive senses?

H: Nods.

Me: Those two senses are very important because they have to do with how we move our bodies and with our sense of safety. Some people’s brains have trouble with those senses and it makes certain things a little more challenging for them.

H: Like what?

Me: Well, things like holding a pencil and writing can be more challenging, keeping your balance, sitting up without slumping over, having enough energy to play without getting tired, feeling safe when you’re in a crowded or a noisy environment… these are some of the things that can be harder for people whose vestibular and proprioceptive senses get confused by the information they're receiving.

H: Writing is hard for me. And I don’t like being around a lot of people, especially when it is noisy... and I always get tired, especially when I'm running around a lot.

Me: I know, honey and that’s ok. Like I said, we ALL have things that are hard for us. I don’t like crowds or noise either! The important thing is to understand is that everyone’s brain processes sensory information differently and we ALL have sensory superpowers. Being sensitive IS a superpower.

H: But, I don’t want to be sensitive. I want to be more like C.

Me: I know you wish you didn’t feel pain so intensely and I can understand that. AND, being a super feeling person gives you amazing superpowers to understand how others feel, to be extra attuned to your environment and to notice details that most people miss. Being sensitive is what allows you to be such a good artist. It's what makes you so curious and funny. It's what enables you to be so neat and organized. It's what makes you, YOU. There is no one else in the entire history of the world like you and there never will be! YOU are inherently special and your sensory superpowers are part of that.

H: But, C NEVER cries when he gets hurt and I ALWAYS do.

Me: That's really bothering you, isn't it?

H: Yeah, I hate it.

Me: Why is it bad to cry when you get hurt? What's wrong with that? It just means that your body is feeling something and you're having a reaction. It's not bad to cry, it's actually good! It's something our bodies do to get our feelings out so they don't stay stuck in our bodies.

H: Then, why doesn't Cruz cry?

Me: He does cry. He cries about other things. He cries when he's frustrated, when he's tired, and sometimes he cries when he doesn't get his way.

H: Yeah, it's annoying when he does that. I used to cry when I didn't get my way, but I don't do that anymore. Well, sometimes I still do, but not as much as C does said smugly.

Me: You're right, honey. C might not be sensitive to physical pain, but he's sensitive to other things. He has sensory challenges and sensory superpowers as well, his are just different.

H: mulling it over

Me: There is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with crying when you're hurt. There's no such thing as perfect- you are perfectly imperfect just the way you are. We're ALL perfectly imperfect! What do you think about that?

H: I still wish I didn't cry so much when I get hurt, but I do like that I'm a good artist and I AM better at organizing things and building cool LEGOS than C is. He's super messy and his LEGO creations aren't as good as mine.

Me: We all have our sensory superpowers and we all have our challenges. That's what makes us human and that's what makes us unique.

H: Ok, mom, are we done?

Me: Sure, honey.

If you're a parent of a sensory kid, teaching him about his "sensory superpowers" is a great way to introduce the concept of sensory processing. Our goal is to empower our kids and this is a wonderful way to do it.

Here are a few more sensory resources that might be helpful:

What is Sensory Processing and Why is it Important?

The Vestibular System

6 Potential Causes of Your Child's Sensory Issues

An Integrative Pediatrician's Perspective on Sensory

55 Sensory Activities to do with Your Child

We parents, myself included, have so many judgments about our kids' behavior.

He's doing this on purpose. He's being manipulative. She's just trying to get attention. He just wants his way. And, of course this oldie but goodie: Ugh! What a brat!

Immediately following these judgments comes the universal go-to parenting solution that we've all heard and told ourselves a million times: Well, obviously he needs more "discipline."

This judgmental view of behavior is akin to a western medicine approach to most health issues: it solely focuses on the symptoms without addressing or even considering the root cause. The idea of "more discipline" as the solution to all behavioral issues is the same as thinking an antibiotic can solve all health issues. It's misguided at best and downright harmful at worst.

The truth is that All Behavior is Communication.

Kids, just like adults, are constantly trying to get their needs met. Think about it this way- when you give your partner the cold shoulder, snap and say something hurtful or do something insensitive, are you purposely tring to be manipulative, just trying to get your way or being a jerk just for the heck of it? No!

You're most likely "acting out" because you're hurt or upset about something, you need more connection or you're feeling anxious.

Even we adults don't always have the tools to regulate our emotions so we can effectively communicate our needs, yet we're so quick to judge our kids' behavior (and other people's kids for that matter!)!

The bottom line is that all of us- adults, kids and especially sensory kids- could use a little more compassion around challenging behaviors and a little more help in the emotional regulation department.

One of the best parenting tools I've found for modeling and teaching emotional regulation skills is called The Zones of Regulation. It was developed by occupational therapist, Leah Kuypers, to teach students "to identify their feelings/level of alertness, understand how their behavior impacts those around them, and learn what tools they can use to manage their feelings and states."

Here's how it works (this is the way I've modified it to use with my boys, not the "official" curriculum):

There are four zones: red, yellow, green and blue.

The red zone is when a child is in a heightened state of arousal. Behaviors are aggressive and out of control. The child may be experiencing anger, rage, fear or even elation. The red zone is associated with a fight, flight or freeze response. When a child reaches this zone, he is no longer in control of his behavior. His prefrontal cortex has been hijacked by his limbic system and he will be unresponsive to any kind of verbal reprimand or warning.

The yellow zone is the precursor to the red zone. It's a heightened state of arousal, but not quite to the point of no return. The child may be feeling agitated, annoyed, frustrated, anxious, silly, hyper or nervous. Behaviors range from whining, complaining and clinging to bouncing off the walls, grabbing toys, and taunting and teasing.

The green zone is when the child is calm, regulated, alert and responsive. He feels happy, focused, helpful, cooperative and ready to learn. Behaviors include sharing, listening, following directions, being curious and asking questions, being responsive, and being kind and respectful. This is the optimal zone.

The blue zone is when the child has lower energy and is in a state of lowered arousal. He may feel tired, bored, sad, or sick. Behaviors include lethargy, disinterest in activities, sluggishness, unusually quiet and withdrawn.

Step 1: Teach your child about the zones. Tell your child that you're going to do a project together to learn about how their feelings are connected to their bodies. You'll need:

• Poster board
• Markers
• Scissors
• Glue or tape
• Construction paper

Divide the poster board into 4 sections. Draw a red stop sign, a yellow square, a green circle and a blue triangle at the top of each section. Explain that our feelings can be categorized into four different "zones," then go through each zone, describing the feelings associated with them. Use yourself as an example- "The red zone is when you're feeling REALLY upset and angry, and you're out of control. Like when mommy yells, that means I'm in the red zone."

Ask your child, when you're in the "red zone" and you're feeling angry or anxious, what does that look like? Let him brainstorm some behaviors with you. For older kids, they can write the behaviors they come up with on red construction paper. With younger kids, you can draw and label the behaviors they come up with. Then cut them out and tape/ glue them under the red stop sign.

Do the same for the rest of the zones until each section is filled up.

Here is an example a client made. They didn't do the blue zone, but it's a great visual:

Step 2: Brainstorm strategies to get into the green. Explain to your child that when they feel like they're in the blue, yellow or red zones, there are many things they can do help their bodies get back into the green:

Blue strategies: take a nap, go to bed earlier, snuggle up and read a book, ask mommy for a hug or a snuggle, go out for a bike ride or scooter ride around the neighborhood to "wake up" their body, take a break or get a drink and a snack.

Yellow strategies: do belly breathing, go for a walk, take a break, do jumping jacks, use a fidget, get your wiggles out, swing, climb, run, ask for a bear hug, go to your sensory space, do tactile play, draw out your feelings, get a snack.

Red strategies: use deep pressure, rhythmic swinging, have a pillow fight, tighten and relax your body, belly breathing, jump on the trampoline, go for a run, throw ice against a wall, get a bear hug from mom, go outside for a change of scenery and do "heavy work."

Draw or write out the strategy on construction paper and make another visual titled, "Tools to Get Back into the Green Zone."

If you don't want to make you're own, here's a great chart you can purchase (I'm not affiliated in any way).

Step 3: Adopt the lingo. Once you've explained the zones, made your visuals and hung them up somewhere in plain view, it's time to start using the zones lingo.

When your child is being cooperative, is listening and following directions, being helpful etc., you'll say, "Look at how well you're listening. You're in the green zone!" or "Thank you for being so cooperative, I can tell you're in the green zone."

When you or are in the green, call that out too- "I'm having so much fun playing Legos with you. I'm definitely in the green zone!"

When your child starts to get dysregulated, and you notice he's in the yellow, call it out: "It looks like you're in the yellow zone, do you need a bear hug?" "I hear a yellow (child just yelled), let's take a jumping jack break!" "It looks like your body is heading towards the red zone, what can we do to get you back into the green?"

Invite your kids to call you out when you're in the yellow. Trust me, they'll love it! My boys love nothing more than to say, "Mooommm, YOU'RE in the yellow!" Ha!

Then be sure to model a strategy to get yourself back into the green zone. Click here for some ideas.

Using the zones is a tangible and effective way to start modeling and teaching your kids the skill of emotional regulation which is the key to having a happy, healthy and fulfilling life! So, you know, just minorly important!

For more information on the Zones of Regulation, click here.

Now, more than ever, we Sensory Moms are faced with the enormous challenge of viewing our kids' behaviors through a zoomed out lens, suspending our judgments and taking steps to model emotional regulation so they can feel safe and secure. It's no easy task, but it gets easier with practice.

As always, please leave your questions and comments below.

Dear Mom,

Nearly 44 years ago, you became a second-time-mom to a daughter. Your first child, my brother, was an “easy” baby who “didn’t need much.” Little did you know that you wouldn’t be quite as lucky the second time around!

I came into the world with an undeniable need for self-expression, immediately evident by my prolonged screaming. Despite your exhaustive efforts to provide comfort, my screaming persisted for months, sometimes lasting for hours and hours. Deemed “colicky” by my pediatrician, I caused quite a disruption to your sleep and your sanity. While most babies outgrow colic around three months, mine lasted an impressive seven.

By toddlerhood, the screaming had subsided and my need for self-expression was seen in my insatiable amount of energy. A “whirling dervish” you called me; my behavior resembled a rapid, spinning object. I was hard to keep up with, demanding, and had big emotions- an undeniable need for self-expression. A far cry from my mellow, introverted older brother. And quite a challenge for you as my mother.

“I didn’t know what to do with you,” you’ve explained during some of our discussions about my childhood and our relationship. The picture of rational and even-keeled, you were taken aback by my emotionality, my energy, my bigness. It both enthralled and terrified you. For a woman who had learned early on to keep her emotions at a distance, having a daughter whose emotions lived on the surface added an extra layer of difficulty to parenting.

Enter puberty. Take an already emotional, deeply feeling girl with a sensitive nervous system, throw in a hefty dose of hormones and, well, you’re in trouble. I knew how to push buttons you didn’t know you had! You were like Job in the Old Testament, no matter what I threw at you- screaming “I HATE YOU!”, slamming doors, eye rolls at everything you said and did, back-talk, sarcasm, the cold shoulder, countless intense emotional outbursts- you remained cool, calm, and collected, never wavering in your love, always there with a warm embrace when I was ready. You were truly an angel.

I imagine there were moments (probably many of them) when you thought, I didn’t sign up for this, who is this child and where did she come from? Why can’t I seem to meet her needs? What am I missing? Am I the right mom for her? With such starkly different temperaments, it was difficult for us to understand and to connect with one another. I never doubted your love for me, but at times, I wondered if I was the right daughter for you.

Nearly six years ago, I became a mom to my first son, H. Like a chip off the ol’ block, he came out screaming and never stopped! Despite my exhaustive efforts to provide comfort, his screaming persisted for months, sometimes lasting for hours and hours. Deemed “colicky” by his pediatrician, he caused quite a disruption to my sleep and my sanity. While most babies outgrow colic around three months, his lasted an impressive ten (outdid me on that one!).

As he entered toddlerhood, the screaming turned into tantrums and meltdowns that would have caused the Buddha to lose his cool. Take an already emotional, deeply feeling boy with a sensitive nervous system, pair him with an emotional, deeply feeling mother with a sensitive nervous system, and, well, you’re in trouble. At two-years-old, he was (inadvertently) pushing buttons I didn’t know I had and by five-and-a-half, he was screaming, “I HATE YOU,” slamming doors, and having countless intense emotional outbursts.

There have been moments during the past six years (many of them) when I’ve thought, I didn’t sign up for this, who is this child and where did he come from? Why can’t I seem to meet his needs? What am I missing? Am I the right mom for him?

Here’s what I’ve come to know deep in my bones. You, my beautiful, loving mother, were and are the absolute perfect mother for me and I was and am the perfect daughter for you just as I am the absolute perfect mother for H and he’s the perfect son for me.

It’s true that you and I are opposites in many ways. It’s also true that we’ve challenged each other in the exact ways we needed to be challenged in order to grow and to love each other, ourselves, and others more deeply.

Though it’s taken a long time for me to learn (and I’m still learning), you’ve taught me how to be more resilient when faced with life’s inevitable storms, how to feel things without letting my feelings get the best of me. You’ve modeled selflessness and devotion. You’ve taught me the value of accepting things I cannot change and of being incredibly grateful for all that I’ve been blessed with. You’ve loved me fiercely, with all that you’ve had, since the moment I was born.

Though it’s taken a long time for you to learn (and you’re still learning), I’ve (inadvertently) taught you the value of feeling your feelings when faced with life’s inevitable storms, that your feelings are nothing to fear. I’ve modeled that even if you get temporarily engulfed by your emotions, you’ll always come out the other side. I’ve taught you the upside of emotionality- the ability to connect more deeply with others. I’ve loved you fiercely, with all that I've had, since the moment I was born.

To all the moms out there, especially the ones struggling to parent a child with extra needs and/or a child whose needs you're struggling to meet, know that you are the perfect mom for your child and your child is the perfect child for you.

Just as we teach and guide our children, they teach and guide us. When we stop resisting our differences and the challenges our children present us with, we can open ourselves up to what they're here to teach us.

It then becomes indisputably clear that we and our children were matches made in heaven.

Happy Mother’s Day to my incredible mom and to all you incredible moms out there.

I love you, Mom, and I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect match.

You're cleaning up the kitchen after dinner when you notice the time. "Boys," you sweetly call to your kids who are play-wrestling in the other room, "it's time to go upstairs and get ready for bed."

A minute goes by. The noise level from the other room starts to increase.

"BOYS!" you say louder and a little less sweetly, "It's time to go upstairs."

You hear a crash, then loud laughter.

"BOOOOYYYSSS!" Now you're legit yelling as you storm into the playroom, "GET UPSTAIRS. NOW!"

Your kids continue wrestling as if you're nowhere to be seen or heard.

If this scenario has become even more of a regular occurrence since the quarantine started, you're not alone.

Kids not listening is the most common and most universal parenting complaint and it has been exacerbated by the increased time we're all spending together as a result of the pandemic.

As with most things in life that are worthwhile, getting your kids to listen takes some work on your end. Just like we can't expect to be healthy and fit if we sit around and eat too much, we can't expect our kids to hop to it if we're just barking out orders all the time!

The sooner we let go of the expectation that our kids should just listen because we're the parents and we accept the reality that it takes two to tango, the more cooperative our kids will be and the less frustrated we'll feel.

At the end of the day, we can't force our kids to listen. BUT, there are several things we can do to increase the likelihood that they will.

Here are 10 tips to elicit more cooperation from your kids:

1. Solve the Bigger Problem. Sometimes not listening boils down to kids just being kids and getting so involved in what they're doing that they tune us out. Other times, there's more going on than meets the eye.

The most common underlying issue that causes kids not to listen is a lack of connection. Parent educator Pam Leo sums it up perfectly- "the level of cooperation parents get from their children is usually equal to the level of connection children feel with their parents."

When our kids feel that we're tuned into their lives, that we really see them and that they matter to us, they're more likely to listen to what we have to say. For a simple way to increase your connection with your child, click here.

Other underlying problems that can affect a child's ability to listen include: slow processing speed, difficulty with transitions, auditory processing issues, being unsure of your expectations, being unable to complete the task and difficulty with motor planning (following a sequence of steps).

Children with sensory processing challenges, ADHD, and autism are more likely to have the above challenges and often need additional intervention in order to improve their listening skills. Click here for more info.

2. Connect before you Direct. If your kids are in another room and you call out a request, expect to be ignored! Instead, stop what you're doing, go over to your child and acknowledge what he's doing- "that looks like a cool race track you're building." Invite him to tell you about it and invest the time to really listen.

Inconvenient? Yes. Annoying to have to stop what you're doing? Yes. But, remember so is working out and eating healthy, but we do it anyways if we want results.

After you've connected, then you can make your request. Start by lightly touching your child on the shoulder or arm to get his attention, get down on his level, look him in the eye and state your request: "Honey, it's time to clean up."

Key words here: state your request. If you ask or demand, you're more likely to get resistance.

3. Give Choices. Kids are unconsciously looking for ways to feel more powerful and to have more control- seeking autonomy is a natural and important part of a child's development. The more opportunities we can give them to make their own decisions, the more cooperative they're likely to be.

Immediately after stating your request, offer a choice: "Would you like to clean the cars up first or the legos?" "Would you like to do your math or english homework first? "Would you like to take a bath or a shower?" "Do you want to brush your teeth first or get dressed?"

4. Less Talk More Action. This is where I get stuck! I tend to become a broken record, repeating myself several times instead of stating the request once, then taking action. When we go on and on, nagging and repeating, we start to sound like the teacher in the Charlie Brown movies and our kids learn to ignore our initial requests.

If you've connected, stated your request, given a choice and your child is still ignoring you, go back to step two and focus on the connection. If you haven't connected with your child throughout the day, you can expect to spend more time on step two before getting your child to cooperate.

5. Notice Your Tone. How we say something is much more important that what we're actually saying. If we come out of the gate with an irritated tone we can expect to be tuned out.

This one is easier said than done, especially right now when every single parent on the planet is experiencing heightened stress and less patience! Give yourself some grace while simultaneously understanding that our tone plays a big role in our child's willingness to comply.

6. Flip the Negative. Negative commands like "don't hit your brother," "don't throw your clothes on the floor," "don't jump on the couch," require double processing: What am I NOT supposed to do AND what AM I supposed to do instead?

Flipping the negative into a positive- "keep your hands to yourself," "put your clothes in the hamper" "keep your feet off the couch"- communicates exactly what you'd like your child to do which increases the likelihood that he will.

7. Ensure Comprehension. Have your child repeat back your request after you've made one to ensure that he understands what you're expecting. This is a simple way to make sure everyone is on the same page, to allow you to clarify if you're not and to ensure that your child actually heard what you were saying.

8. Become a Yes Man! How many times a day do we say "no" to our kids? "No, you can't have dessert," "No, we can't go to the park right now," "No, you can't have more screentime." Yet, we expect them to listen and say yes to every single request we make! When we stop and put ourselves in their shoes, it's easy to see why they aren't all that cooperative.

Looking for more opportunities to say yes is a great way to increase their cooperation. "I know you love dessert, let's save it for the weekend. Would you like to have it on Friday or Saturday night?" "The park sounds fun! As soon as I'm done cleaning up the kitchen, let's go!" "You've been having so much fun playing Roblox. You can have ten more minutes and then it's time to do your homework."

9. Channel Your Inner Comedian. This is where my husband shines- he's amazing at injecting humor to diffuse potential power struggles. Try saying things in a funny voice, being silly or poking fun at yourself when making requests.

My husband's go-to playful tactic is what he calls the "fist of fury." It sounds horrible, but it's actually pretty funny. When he asks my boys to do something, like, "Hey boys, time to go upstairs to take a bath," he follows it up with, "or beware of the fist of fury!" Then he makes a fist and acts like his arm has a mind of its own, goes over to them and starts play-wrestling, but as if it's the "fist of fury" doing it, not him.

Our boys LOVE it and laugh every time. After a few mintues of play-wrestling (dad code for connection), our boys are so much more likely to comply with the request.

10. Choose Your Battles. I mean, if this isn't the motto for parenting in general, I don't know what is! On any given day, we parents have so much to juggle, there are some things we just have to let go of.

Decide what's really important to you and focus on those things. For me, complying with the end of screentime, clearing dishes and cleaning up after meals, and cooperating at bedtime are the things I'm focusing on right now.

Putting the pillows back on the couch after they've thrown them on the floor during screentime (drives me completely bonkers!), straightening up the bed in the guest room after they've gone in there to watch a movie, and getting themselves dressed in the morning without me coaching them along are all things that, for now, I'm willing to let slide!

Just like we adults need some grace during this stressful time, our kids do too!

I'd love to hear the strategies that have worked with your kids as well as the challenges you're having getting them to listen. Leave your comments and questions below.

If you need extra support right now, this is the last week I'm offering free mini-sessions. Click here to schedule.

Staying calm when our kids aren't is a major challenge even for the most zen parents and even under the best circumstances.

Take a world-wide pandemic, throw in some homeschooling along with a dramatic decrease in downtime to recharge our batteries and suddenly keeping our cool with our kids goes from a major challenge to seemingly impossible.

We ARE going to lose it, there's simply no way around it.

Like the other day when my older son was falling apart and I just couldn't take it anymore. I snapped and desperately yelled, "WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THIS? WHY?!"

I felt like I was in one of those "Calgon, take me away" commercials from the seventies! Sigh.

The good news is that there ARE ways to minimize our "losing it" moments (click here for some) AND there IS something we can do to minimize the damage done when we have them.

In the therapy world it's called "repairing the rupture" or, for the rest of us: an apology.

Taking FULL responsibility for our actions, giving a sincere, heartfelt apology and reconnecting after a relational rupture (read: we've lost our sh%!) is absolutely essential in order to maintain a close connection with our child and to ensure he feels seen, safe, soothed and secure.

In fact, making a repair is the single, most important thing we can do after a not-so-great parenting moment. Here's how to do it...

The scenario: Your child has pushed your buttons to your breaking point. You've snapped, yelled, said something shaming, basically behaved like a tantruming 3-year-old yourself!

1. Take a Breather. Before you do anything, you must first make sure your nervous system has settled down. Trying to make a repair while you're still in the midst of a limbic system hijack is like trying to fix an airplane while it's flying; you'll have much better luck once you're grounded.

Disengage, take some deep breaths, say a calming mantra, whatever helps you de-escalate. Click here for some calming practices.

Once both your and your child's nervous system is back to normal, the next step is to...

2. Own Up. Making a sincere, heartfelt apology in which you take FULL responsibility for your actions is the most crucial step in making a repair. While it's a simple concept, the "taking full responsibility" part can be surprisingly hard to do!

The biggest mistake we make when apologizing is using the words but or if: "I'm so sorry I yelled, BUT you weren't listening and I asked three times to stop hitting your brother."

"I'm sorry I got upset. IF you had just listened and stopped behaving like a maniac, I wouldn't have lost my temper."

Nope! A true apology DOES NOT include the words but or if. It does not concern itself with whom is to blame, it does not expect forgiveness and it never includes the statement, "I'm sorry you felt that way" (the worst!).

A true apology has five components: 1. Taking full responsibility for your role in the conflict. 2. Giving a truthful explanation for your behavior.
3. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. 4. Communicating empathy for his experience. 5. Expressing genuine remorse for your actions.

It sounds something like this: "I’m so sorry I got angry, you didn't deserve that. Sometimes it’s hard for Mommy to stay calm and I need to work on that. I imagine it’s scary when Mommy yells. I love you very much and I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings.”

3. Be Curious. After you've apologized, ask your child how he feels. What was his experience like? Did he feel scared when you yelled? Sad? Angry? Get curious about what was going on that caused him to do whatever it was that triggered you.

Resist the urge to rebuttal, explain or interject. Instead, practice active listening by reflecting back what you hear and validating his experience.

4. Hug it Out. Physical touch is the best way we can reconnect with our child; a warm embrace can often cancel out the negative feelings that arose during the tense interaction. Why? Because tender physical contact releases a hormone called oxytocin which promotes trust and safety.

When we snuggle, cuddle, hold, hug, pat and kiss our kids, they're reassured of our love and reminded that we're always there for them, no matter what.

5. Let it Go. Once you've gone through these steps and have reestablished the connection with your child, it's time to let it go. There's no use in beating yourself up or ruminating about it.

Modeling self-compassion and self-forgiveness sends a powerful message to our kids. It shows them that we accept our humanness, that we're not perfect and that's ok. We're all works in progress.

The goal is to own our mistakes and then learn from them.

When we learn and practice the art of an apology we create a silver lining to our parenting fails. We take our worst parenting moments and we transform them into opportunities to model personal accountability, empathy, and self-compassion- three of the most important things we can teach our children.

Now, more than ever, is a crucial time to put the art of the apology into practice with our kids. They need reassurance that everything is going to be ok just as much as we do.

If you could use some extra support, I'm offering free mini-sessions for the rest of the month. Click here to schedule, there are a few spots still available.

Hang in there, mamas! You've got this! Please leave your questions and comments below, I'd love to hear from you.

Last week, my boys could hardly contain their excitement about Easter. When it came time to dye Easter eggs, they were practically bouncing off the walls with enthusiasm. Things were going well and they were all smiles until an unfortunate egg mix up led to an epic screaming match over whose egg was whose!

At first, I calmly tried to intervene, but as the screaming escalated, I snapped! Suddenly I found myself screaming over them, "YOU GUYS! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! STOP SCREAMING!!!"

Sadly, this wasn't an aberration; after four weeks of quarantine, my "flipping my lid" moments have been more frequent than usual, which begs the question, why is it so darn hard to keep our cool when our kids aren't keeping theirs?

Why doesn't knowing that we should hit the proverbial pause button so we can thoughtfully respond instead of react to our kids translate into actually doing it?

It boils down to one thing: Emotional Regulation.

Emotional regulation is our ability to tolerate life's stressors and curveballs. It's the process of keeping our emotions in balance and away from the extremes. When a person has good emotional regulation skills, they're able to FEEL their feelings but not get overwhelmed by them.

It's a simple concept but an important one- as it turns out, our emotional regulation skills are the foundation on which having a happy, healthy and fulfilled life is built.

In fact, research shows that EQ (emotional intelligence) is a stronger predictor of a person's success and overall happiness than IQ.

People with good emotional regulation skills have healthy and connected relationships, good boundaries, flexible and stable moods, resilience when faced with stress and healthy coping strategies.

For parents, having good emotional regulation skills takes on even more importance. Children are underdeveloped in their cognitive and physiological capacities to emotionally regulate, so they rely on US to help them do it.

When WE can't stay regulated, our children won't be able to either.

Think of it this way: Good emotional regulation = better able to handle life's stressors = less reactive = more responsive = happier = better relationships = better parent = happier children

Often when our kids are "acting up" we focus on learning parenting strategies and tools for deescalating and decreasing their unwanted behaviors. Here's the thing: We can have all the parenting tools in the world, but if we have poor emotional regulation, none of them are going to get us very far!

So, if you, like me lately, are having more "flipping your lid" moments with your kids than usual, here are...

4 Ways to Improve Your Emotional Regulation Skills:

1. Identify your parenting triggers. The first step in improving your emotional regulation, is to identify and understand your parenting “hot spots” and emotional triggers. Parenting is an intensely emotional experience and whether we like it or not, our kids are going to stir up some intense feelings!

Take a moment to journal the answers to the following questions:

• What time(s) of day do I tend to be most triggered with my children?
• What are the top 3 things that make me the most angry with my kids?
• What are my judgments about my child's behavior?
• What judgments do I have about myself as a parent?
• What fears are playing into my judgments?

In the therapy world, there's a saying, "name it to tame it." The act of naming your feelings has a calming effect on the nervous system. Extra bonus for writing them out which stimulates both your analytical left brain and your emotional right brain.

2. Create a self-care plan. It's physically impossible to stay calm and regulated when you're exhausted, overwhelmed and not taking care of yourself. The reason? When we're chronically stressed, our sympathetic nervous system goes into overdrive, constantly releasing stress hormones into our system which literally hijacks our ability to think rationally and be responsive.

Really dialing in your self-care entails taking inventory of which areas of your life are out of balance, prioritizing what needs attention first, then creating a plan to make small, consistent changes.

Maybe you've been neglecting your physical health- staying up too late binge-watching your favorite show, emotionally eating, drinking more than usual (pretty much the entire world right now!), not exercising ... or maybe your emotional health has taken a big hit - the quarantine has resulted in you being emotionally withdrawn, you're stuck in an anxiety spiral, you haven't been connecting with friends and family... whatever area needs the most immediate attention, start there and pick ONE THING to adjust.

CLICK HERE to make your self-care plan.

3. Make sense of your childhood. Renowned psychiatrist and researcher Dr. Daniel J. Siegel says, "the best predictor of a child's well-being is a parent's self-understanding." Understanding and making sense of our own childhood experienes is imperative for becoming less triggered by and more responsive to our children.

Arguably the most influential factor on our ability to emotionally regulate is our attachment style. Attachment (not to be confused with "Attachment Parenting") refers to the quality of the emotional bond between an infant and her primary caregiver (usually mom) which continues throughout childhood and adolescence.

There are four types of attachment: secure, anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent and disorganized (click here to learn more). People who had a secure attachment with their primary caregiver, meaning their caregiver was consistently attuned and responsive to their needs, generally have stronger emotional regulation skills than those who didn't

But, don't worry- if you didn't have a secure attachment, it doesn't mean you're doomed! That's where understanding and making sense of our childhood experiences comes in.

Even if nothing horrible happened during your childhood, in order to understand who you are, what makes you tick and why you have certain challenges as an adult (i.e. difficulty staying calm when your kids aren't), you've got to spend some time making sense of your childhood. There's just no way around it!

When we're able to construct a cohesive narrative about the impact our childhood experiences and relationships had on our development, we can begin to heal some of those old "attachment wounds" in turn strengthening our emotional regulation skills.

To begin the process, I recommend reading Parenting from the Inside Out by Dr. Dan Siegel and completing the exercises throughout the book. In the meantime, you can download this free reparenting exercise.

If you had a difficult childhood during which you experienced trauma, finding a qualified therapist, who specializes in attachment and trauma, to assist you in processing and making sense of what you went through will be tremendously helpful.

When looking for a therapist, make sure to do your research. Look for a therapist who is certified in EMDR, one of the most well-researched modalities for treating trauma.

You may also consider finding a therapist who is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy or "EFT," a type of therapy that is based on the science of attachment.

4. Practice Mindfulness. Mindfulness is the awareness that arises out of intentionally paying attention to the present moment in an open, accepting, curious, discerning way.

You can practice mindfulness formally and informally. During a formal mindfulness practice, you specifiy a length of time (let's say 10 minutes) during which you focus your attention on your breath or a mantra. Every time your mind wanders (which it will, A LOT!), you non-judgmentally notice where it went, then gently bring your attention back to your breath.

You may have to bring your attention back to your breath 100 times during a ten minute meditation and that’s OK! That is mindfulness.

Every time you notice your mind drift away from the focus on your breath or mantra and you intentionally bring your attention back to your breath, you're literally rewiring your brain and, wait for it... strengthening your emotional regulation skills.

That's right- having a consistent, daily formal mindfulness practice has been proven to improve emotional regulation.

Now, for all you reluctant meditators (I was one too!), you don't have to sit in the lotus position and meditate for hours on end. Just ten minutes a day will make a difference. And if that feels too overwhelming, shoot for five! There are a gazillion free mindfulness apps to help get you started. This is one of my favorites.

For some informal ways to practice mindfulness throughout the day, CLICK HERE.

As I said before, you can have all the parenting tools and strategies in the world, but if your emotional regulation skills are lagging, there's no way you're going to be able to access the pause button when you're in the eye of the storm with your kids. I speak from personal experience!

As the adage goes, we moms have to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first before we can help our kids. If you've been struggling to be responsive instead of reactive to your kids, I encourage you to become intentional about improving your emotional regulation. Working on yourself is the best thing you can do for your child.

Having said that, be sure to give yourself A LOT of grace right now. The state of heightened stress due to the global pandemic is enough to cause even the most zen, emotionally regulated moms out there to lose their cool a little more often. It's understandable and to be expected.

On that note, if you need extra support, CLICK HERE to schedule a complimentary 30-minute session. I'm here to support you in whatever way I can.

Hang in there, Sensory Moms! You're doing an amazing job!